Refinery

Seriously though, I don't even know where to begin. I do know that it IS time for me to begin, wherever it may be. 

Hace alrededor de 2 meses hasta he escrito en mi blog, pero it's NOW that I'm ready to reflect to you pretty people the ins and outs of what has seemed like a hectic "holiday".

In brief: I went home to the states in late December to surprise Broun (with the help of his wonderful secret-keeping family), give/receive love from family and friends, and to support Allie Marie Perry in her new journey of wifehood. It was very relajante, and I am certainly grateful for that break. My spirit needed rejuvenating in more than one way, but I think I expected more out of others for my "filling" than I did myself or my God. A shame, but nontheless, a learned lesson as of late.

One of the biggest struggles I had last semester was dealing with the lack of believers around me...and being able to confidently press on in the way of the Lord when I saw no fruit and had not a soul with whom I could experience the magic of Jesus. Woe is me, right? NAW. So after a lot of prayer and pleading for God to show me some blanket truth of His peace, I think God decided that the exact opposite of DISCRETE was what I needed from Him. Oh, what mercy.

The moment I stepped off the plane here in Malaga, I met my first group of Christians. I decided to go into a tienda to buy a bottle of water before my bus ride, and I saw a girl wearing American Eagle jeans and I immediately knew I could speak English to her. "Are you American?"..."haha, yes."..."awesome, what are you here for?"..."i'm with that big group out there. we're here for a conference."..."oh, are you with a school organization, church group, what?"..."actually yeah, we're with Campus Crusade."...."seriously? you don't know how much of an answered prayer you are. i actually went on summer project this summer in East Asia."...

so we continued our conversation, and I praised God with (nearly) tears of joy. We exchanged information, and they went on their way. Comfort from the first moment I landed. What a good God we have.

I get back to my apartment, I settle in for a bit, and finally fall asleep--to wake up and teach the next day. I checked my email briefly before heading out, and Lindsey has emailed me...and her last line told me to read Isaiah 40. So, during the 20 minute tram ride on the way to school while the sun is coming up from the point where the sea and the mountains meet, I read Isaiah 40. My heart and my soul were craving those words exactly--after 3 months feeling like i've been dragged through the wilderness(here in Spain) in terms of spiritual warfare, I am greeted with this cushion of truth and the reality of answered prayer from my Lord as i returned. -- 

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins. A voice cries; "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."    40:1-5

May it be so! Then, at the end of the chapter--I'm reminded again:

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God"? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable; He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 40:27-31

I thank my God for His word. I thank my God for Lindsey Boone. For putting Emily Hills, a new friend and believer, in my life with whom to share and study the Word. For the Chitty family, missionaries from England and Ireland, who have started a church here (at which I have the pleasure of worshiping). For a new found hope that is Christ in me. 

This sounds like an obituary or something I might want written on my grave, but seriously guys. I've been wrecked in new ways, and have died again in a sense--to my selfish desires and expectations. I am FULL. Full. full. I have so much joy and hope in what the Lord is doing. In prayer, in fellowship, in relationships, in teaching, in SPAIN. 

One more thing. Lindsey Boone gave me this amazing metaphor as well, and I've [not so] coincidentally had 3 other conversations about it this week with other friends-- Do you know how silver is purified? The silversmith holds the silver in the hottest part of the flame. He keeps it there for as long as it takes to see his reflection in the silver.  

For my name's sake I defer my anger, for the sake of my praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. 

Isaiah 48:9-10

Amen.

Back to the Basics

I'm glad to know that my body gives me FULL warning when I'm getting anxious. There is never a question of the condition of my heart, because with a feeling or emotion, my body will produce tears, sweat, laughter, chills, or in this case .... IBS. Always right on cue. Thanks body. or, thanks Maker. Love the sensitivities. =)

Sew, So, Ceaux, I'm anxious. The Bible tells us not to be anxious about anything. Normally, my anxiety would probably turn into worry that I'm wallowing in anxiety...and sort of spiral in an unhealthy direction towards un-worship and self-pity. (so, thankfully I'm not TOO anxious of a person..). But right now, I almost feel like this anxiety is a joke-test that God is playing on me. Immediately when I felt myself get anxious today, I thought of how i could pray my way into peace, and submit to "rest" in today instead of think about how I'm going to be in states in a WEEK. But there's really no way to not think about it. So, I think instead of trying to bring peace upon myself, God has showed up in writing...snatching the rug from underneath my feet. He's so cool. I love when my ways don't work out the way I think they should.

Today I read some letters and journal entries....basically testimonies of day-in and day-out wreckage of the Holy Spirit in action....and I can't help but be thankful. So thankful God is working at my anxiety to bring my eyes and thoughts back to Him. SO thankful that He can RE-reveal to His children that we are indeed HIS poiema, as we read back to ourselves the poetry that He has allowed us to create on paper. What a great circle to see! I don't know why, but I find myself shaking my head in unbelief at these small revelations. When I see the subtle ways the Lord redirects our thinking. But why in unbelief? Oh me of little faith. 

But the glass is half full (always), at least there is a little faith....which can be built upon when He, the Maker of poetry, lures us back in...oh so gracefully.

Yes, be gone anxiety. 

China and Spain.

This is Spain.

This is China.

and these are the beautiful flowers i received from my beautiful Broun--for 8 'blooming' months together! 

i miss China.

i miss the 25 different smells from one corner to the next.

i miss the excitement of seeing the sun in clear view.

i miss the child-like nervousness of my Chinese friends as they spoke English for the first time with a foreigner.

i miss the daily reminder of surrender in the selfless, loving attitude of my Chinese friends.

i miss the humility i received after every meal...*cough*

i miss being able to witness a realization of the state of one's lost soul.

i miss the minute by minute weight of God's work at hand through the Holy Spirit

's divine presence infiltrating the marrow of my bones.

i miss experiencing the depths of Jordan, Angel, and Emily's souls through a study of God's Word.

i miss the choir we created while trying to speak in tones.

i miss the making of spiritual metaphors for literally everything, including the pollution in the air. 

but more so,

i am thankful for China.

i am thankful for my senses being heightened from that- the persecuted Church-in all arenas of my faith. 

thank you for China, my God! 

but i live in Spain now. and as i'm reminded by Elizabeth Elliot, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." be it ANY season of life, i think the nature of the fallen human race is dissatisfaction.....whether our situation in life seems absolutely glorious or horrendously frightening. we want that "greener grass on the other side". i pray against that. especially here in Spain, as i crave feelings from my time in China, or as i long for friends and family and loved ones and the comfort of other believers. i'm here. i'm positively confident of the Divine hand in my placement here. right now, with these people. it's just another opportunity for the spread of the Greatest news in the history of the universe.

my impression of this culture wasn't the persecution...more of the culture being satisfied in non-eternal things, and not understanding their need for a Savior. here, it seems completely normal to wallow in confusion, sin, and the like without worrying about the consequences. and for me, this is harder to "deal" with than a bowl of fish swimming in the same aimless direction year after year (China).(<--anyone get that reference?)

i'll stop here. 

but i guess this an exhortation to myself (and to whoever wants an exhortation) that "wherever you may be, be all there". let not your longing slay the appetite for your living.

Merry and Bright!

My juices aren't flowing, per se, in the realm of bloggation, but I've provided an array of pictures as the main form of stimuli for the general public to enjoy to make up for these non-juices.

I haven't really commented much on school lately, SO here goes a shot. My nerves have left me (se me salierion), thank goodness, so it's now easy for me to mess up my Spanish or make the niños laugh without me getting frustrated, embarrassed, or self-conscious. I feel like I have more of a grasp on the "listen to me, I'm teaching you something" versus "I want you to like me as your friend" tension. Although the attitude of the kids hasn't really changed in their un-interest to learn the language, they at least want to get to know me, which helps things go smoothly all around. Soon, I'll bring my camera to school to take pictures of these punks. They sport mohawks, gelled up boy-hair, rat tails, mullets, eyebrow and lip and tongue piercings, you name it. Plus, they LOVE wind suits. I guess I have no room to talk though, my wardrobe consists of wal-mart Vnecks and converse shoes. (actually that's quickly becoming not true, i just bought 2 pairs of skinny jeans-which is hilarious considering my legs are very calfy and quaddy)

Anywho, it's going well. I think I could be more creative in lesson planning, but it's difficult to find a blanket-covering  lesson for the differing ages. Any and all suggestions for ESL lesson plans, or generic creative ideas would be greatly welcomed and appreciated. **think continuous present and past verbs**

Here is a peek at the last two weeks. It's [almost] Tuesday. Did you bring your coat?

This is the wall of lights at Corte Ingles in downtown Malaga. The lights were FANTASTIC, and totally put me in the Christmas spirit!

Floral nativity scene in the center of the Alameda Principal--Malaga.

Thanksgiving dinner guests!! 1 Latvian, 5 Spaniards, 1 German, 6 Americans total! Beautiful, bountiful banquete of celebration.

El Catedral in Malaga. They only built one tower because they ran out of money to finish it off. I hate it when that happens.

This was in the Mexican restaurant, Cielito Lindo, in Nerja--with Sugar Land candy!! Que emocionante!

The main calle (street) in Nerja. A cool view of the montañas. Que bonita.

Cliffs of Nerja. aaand the Mediterranean. and i don't know why it's underlining everything now.

Is this reallll??? sick. All I can say is thank for the clinical strength, B. 

A few more things happened to me these past two weeks, but like I said, I really don't know how effective my writing would be. I will bullet point them =)

*I've been harrassed by rando Senegalian man

*I've come to better understand the weight and worth of God's faithfulness in ALL situations

*I'm learning to show grace, where my flesh wants to show anything but grace sometimes. 

*I've been brought to my knees in how thankful I am for the blessings I daily receive. 

(I think all of these bullet-points deserve their own blog. these one-liners do their weight no justice.)

and I love Jesus more today than yesterday. Thank God for that. Thank God for purpose, for His Kingdom, for REJOICING. 

Happy December Folks!

Llena de Gracia

Unfortunately AND fortunately, this week's events were FAR overlooked and/or forgotten by this weekEND's events. 

Here's the story. About two weeks ago I was gaily stalking my virtual (and some real) friends on Facebook, CLEARLY minding my own business, when out of the blue I received a message from Carly Gloge! Carly and I rowed (not rode) together at UT, so we share that all-too-unique bond of being althletes conjuntos. She began asking me about my life since I've graduated, and I, too, was updated on her life: She's currently working in Holland as a sort of "trial run" to see if she wants to live there long-term. After finding out I was in Spain, she didn't hesistate to tell me she had planned a trip to Paris to meet up with one of our volunteer coaches (Ken Jurkowski) to run a 50k race in Luxembourg (that's like 31 miles--MORE than a marathon)...and graciously invited me along for the spectacle!

So,  I immediately jumped on that opportunity, bought a ticket to Paris, and left on Thursday for an exciting adventure. I convinced myself out of driving with them to Luxembourg so that I could stay and explore a little more of Paris...and in the process, I discovered that another one of my friends, Emily Teng (who is currently studying abroad in Italy), was in Paris this weekend too--and ALL thanks to FACEBOOK!! It turns out virtual stalking will get you REAL friends in REAL places...WHODATHUNK?

Some great things i did/saw/ate in Paris:

*The Arc de Triomphe (which was caddy-corner from Ken's uncle's apt where I stayed)

*La Torre Eiffel 

*Crepes!!

*[French] Onion Soup (obviously they can leave off the "French" part)

*The Louvre

*Sacre Coure (sp) on MontMarte (and an aerial view of the city)

*Moulin Rouge (it's a real place, in a real bad area of town.)

*Champs Elyseé!!

*El Rio Seine 

*Went to the gym (haha)

*VickyChristinaBarcelona

*Figured out the Metro system han-SOLO!! 

*Best of all, saw beautiful people and had lots of laughs/full bellies of love.

Needless to say, the city was amazing, and I'll hopefully return to get a more thorough "schmear" of the city, hopefully with a loved one (Since it IS the world's most romantic city).

I'll post my Paris pictures on facebook if you want to see the lot of them.

Woo!! and Carly and Ken successfully finished the 50k ALIVE! Carly is probably already planning her next marathon to complete. 

Emily left me with a sweet sweet note with words of love and truth. Included was Ephesians 3:16-19, which made me even more grateful for the work that Jesus did/does/and will do forever and within us. And SO thankful for friends like her who love to share that knowledge and remind others of God's power and love. 

what a greeeat time.

Time is borrowed.

It's November. Where have all the cowboys gone? I mean, really.

Okay, I'm going to be honest: I've slacked on the bloggage lately, and every time I begin to open this page I back away in fear of having to be creative or funny or perceived in a certain light. So, now, still not completely convinced that a blog savors the reality that goes on from day to day in my heart, mind, and physicality, I will post a few pictures and a general synopsis of la vida diaria. Vale.

Halloween has come and gone... And if you have looked at facebook, you will have seen my attempt at becoming a cat! And if you look at Morgan's Halloween pictures on facebook, she was a mouse...HOWEVER, it is apparent that our perceptions of cats/mice are identical. What can I say, we ARE Irish twins! meow.

Ellie was a witch. She also thought that the normal witch "thing" would be to attach a black raven to her shoulder. She was hilarious and creative, so "props" to her. muhah. We went to Malaga (the actual city) that weekend, and visited with some friends from orientation. It was good to see them. We shopped and ate a lot of tasty food, but my "you're being too indulgent" conscience went off in my head, so I'm trying to limit the self-satisfaction-ism. Sometimes it's too easy because being in Spain makes me feel like I'm just a character in a video game. With unlimited spending, unlimited intake, and no consequences for any of it. I pray against that.

Que mas? Oh! Meredith (Broun's cousin) came to visit me. She's studying abroad in Firenze for the fall semester, and she is QUITE the traveler. We had a fun time together here--she even came and 'tutored' a teacher with me at school one day. 

Natalia, Trey's girlfriend, is in town this weekend. She's sweet. She's studying abroad in Paris for the semester. Trey asked me to teach him how to knit so he could make Natalia a scarf for Christmas. Go get'm tiger!

Ellie, Begoña, MariCarmen, Carla, and I went to Nerja today! I couldn't believe that it's even MORE breathtaking than the scene here in Torre. mmm, I'm definitely going back. There is a huge balcony that overlooks the ocean, and there are cliffs on either side with huge natural rocks at the shore. It's truly incredible. 

Life isn't as meaningful without taking a look on the inside. And I think I've successfully avoided coming face to face with what Christ is molding my heart and soul to look like this week...not to mention where He is reproducing Himself to others here in Spain. Maybe I should put it another way: Stephen Curtis Chapman sings to "Live Out Loud" our faith, wake the neighbors, scream and shout!...and I get to the point in conversation where I've expressed my thoughts or beliefs on an issue (what my God has convicted me with, etc.)--then get almost zero response OR the opposite, which is "Let's agree to disagree"--and I get all passive. I stop screaming and shouting, I simply agree to disagree. Where is perseverance there? How am I allowing myself to be hated for the namesake of Jesus Christ?

I have very much hope that these conversations will come back around as topics resurface, but is my "passivity" hindering God's work now? Should I listen more carefully to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit instead of being okay with waiting for time to "roll back around"? (sorry for putting everything in quotes, these are context-specific, so I'm hoping you get the point)

 After all, I WILL be here for 7 more months. By prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, I present these requests to God so that His peace which transcends all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. 

Patience Iago, Patience.

Full up.

 I'll add a nice seafoam hue for you guys since I'm not gracing you with any new pictures this week. I know, I'm sorry. I always forget to bring my camera with me when i live life. Don't you?

So, this week has been interesting yet again! My students went on strike (una huelga) this past Wednesday due to the inflating prices of university-level schooling. However, when asked, 90% of the students had no clue why they didn't have to attend school this day, and saw it as another day to get a strange part of their body pierced...or, stay home and eat bocadillos. one of the two. So, Wednesday I got to tutor the profesores in english! Tutoring the teachers is so fun for me because these people are actually interested in learning. The alumnos (my students) have no use for learning English (in their reasonable brains) because they will probably never leave their pueblo within the next 30 years of life, thus remaining in the "sin ese" form of andalucian Spanish for as long as they can. Que lastima. Maybe by the end of the year i'll make them think English is more useful to learn for reasons other than self-preservation. Maybe they can go al mundo and help OTHERS!  

anyhow, i love being able to have conversations with the teachers--many of them want to discuss politics, families, religion, anything. i love love love the fact that a semi-language barrier forces the other person to listen. i was talking to Broun yesterday about the importance of a good listener, and how, when someone is intently listening to what you have to say, it makes you feel significant--of worth. Lots of times it's so tempting to be the "me monster" that Brian Regan talks about, and nod your way through a conversation until you can get your word in... you you you ME ME ME ME ME!!! you know what i'm talking about. since when did our thoughts become 18 times more significant than the person we are talking to? who made that law? can't we just give people the time of day? that's probably why "talking things out" never worked in politics and why Bush decided WAR OR BUST was the solution to world peace. go figure.

oops. breaking PC code.

yes, i love being forced to listen, even when my "me monster" takes over inside my head...all because of a language barrier. i think it helps me/the human race easily and naturally love people better. or maybe it just puts life into a new, more meaningful perspective. i dont know, what do you think? [that's my attempt to listen to you =)]

ah, we started our free spanish classes this week. there are 5 Flemish, 1 Brazilian woman, 1 Polish woman, and the 4 of us Americans (me, Ellie, Trey, and Amanda). Our teacher is from Torre Del Mar, speaks zero english, and was NOT excited to see us there on Tuesday. She has successfully insulted us at least once every day this week....

day 1, she tells us to sit at the table at the complete opposite side of the [huge] room unless other people come in that could possibly fill in the table that has 3 flemish folks sitting at it (they were at a 12 person table in the front of the room). No one shows up, so she finally allows us to move forward nearer to human contact.

day 2, we read the essays we wrote from day1, and, after commenting on the content of everyone's essay she comes to ellie and tells her that spanish is an open language, unlike German and English which are full of consonants, and that she needs to learn how to speak before trying to read an essay that no one understands.

day 3, random interjecting question to trey in spanish, "didn't all of you americans learn spanish at the university?" trey nods. "well, all of these people learned spanish from the university of the streets, that's why your accents are horrible and there's are all perfect." yeah, thanks, mariadelcarmen. we thought the slavic gurgle after every word sounded perfect too. 

We had our first desayuno of churros con chocolate today! those were super greasy, but chocolate is always worth the experience. Another first today was paella!! we had Catalan paella made from tiny macaroni-like noodles (instead of the normal rice) with shrimp and calamari. SOOO GOOD. i think we're going to experiment with some paella recipes soon. i love this new food thing! i've already grown to like mushrooms, and it's only been mas o menos de 4 weeks abroad! woot.

ok, this is getting lengthy. but my spirit and soul and mind and body are all doing great as of ahora, just FYI. a heck of a lot better than early this week. i've received email after email of encouraging words and love, and i can't thank you people enough for them. i have community. it's right in front of me. how dare me pass this gift over. oh, JOY! Love you all dearly.

happy week!